Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Conflicting

I sort of feel like a terrible person for thinking this, but I am so happy that I do not have to go back to BYU-I right now, and that I still have 4 months until I head back. The thought of going back makes me incredibly depressed, and I cannot figure out exactly why.
Maybe it is because I just spent 11 solid months being a full-time student, 7 of those months being a new student at a new campus by myself for the first time.
I know I had some very good times at Idaho, but I am having a hard time thinking of what they were.
I loved devotional, my religion classes, some of my music classes. I made a few very good friends.
I hated the hike to school. Having hardly any money for food. Not having a car so I could have that independence. Apartment drama. Oh I really hated all of the apartment drama. After a certain point, I never felt peace in either of the apartments. It was really sad. I felt bad for counting down the days until I left, because I knew so many people loved it there. I feel bad that I am not one of those people.
I don't hate BYU-I or Rexburg. I actually really love the school.
I just have a hard time being with some of the people. I do not know why it is so hard. I blame myself for so much of it, but there is only so much I can do. Cooperation and peaceful living cannot be accomplished by one person alone. It is a burden I got so tired of carrying.

I am so afraid of going back and having a roommate who will shout at me and throw all of my faults into my face again.
Is that what I did? Did I do that to my roommate? I don't think so... at least I didn't scream them at her, anyway.*  *I only confronted her about ..."behavior" that was against the honor code, as I was supposed to do as part of the integrity promise. I have to keep reminding myself that, even though she hates me for it, I did do the right thing.. I think.

I was made to recount my experience from my first semester in Idaho. I did not want to go into detail, but after much questioning, I told this fellow YSA in my ward the reasons as to why my first semester was a nightmare.
"If I was in her shoes, I would have hated you, too! I would have told you to get over it; sucks to be you!"

I nearly cried. But I was at a housewarming party, so I kept my emotions and thoughts to myself.
I don't even know this girls name, but it is girls like her and my former roommate who scare the living daylight out of me. They will trample me over - not because I don't have the backbone to stand up to them, but because it is not a fight I want to pick. I only argue when I know reason can be drawn for both myself and the other person. As I mentioned earlier, cooperation is not a one person deal - that's why it is cooperation. If it's going to be a "he-said/she-said/it's-your-fault" fight, then count me out.

I used to be such a terror as a kid. I would scream and say terrible things, kick and throw and yell, plot, threaten, hit, bite, scratch, and I even ran away from home a few times.
I feel like I am totally the opposite now. I don't like yelling. I thoroughly enjoy peace and quiet. I would rather sit and breathe than stomp and scream and slam doors. I appreciate rational thinking, and can sense irrationality before it even happens. (Although, I do love that I have the resources to actually escape.. but I don't think I would run away anymore.)

I think I just think too much. Maybe if I stop thinking so much I'll stop worrying.

Writing this all out really helped, though. Congratulations to you if you actually read the whole thing, and thanks for stopping by.

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