Sunday, April 29, 2012

Attention

I can't wait to get out of Rexburg....
I can't wait to graduate... and be out of Rexburg...

I had to figure out some coping strategies last semester, and I think I need to find some new ones for this semester. This semester is not nearly as bad as last semester. Actually, it doesn't even come close. This semester is actually pretty fantastic. But there are still things that are new to me that just suck, and I need to learn how to keep life as "normal" and happy as I can without the stupid parts tearing me down.


I can't wait to move out of this town and not be surrounded by so many young people. We're all so stupid!!!!! But we all think we're super original and creative and brilliant and epic and that we are so smart. We are in university. We have 537,000 hours of homework every week. That's impressive, in case you didn't know. So you should be impressed and feel inferior to me, because I'm the only one going through it, and I'm awesome. It's all about me. Me me me me me. I'm wonderful! Love me. We have to do this. And we have to do that. Look at me, I don't live at home and look at me, I look super cute and look at me, I know big words and look at me, I think I know what I'm talking about and anyone who disagrees is just "retarded". 

I hate that word.


"Oh, but it's just a joke."
Everything that was just said is just a joke. Ha ha ha! So funny!!!! *bat my eyelashes and giggle girlishly*


I am annoyed to the point of being speechless.
Despite my sarcasm above, I do not think of myself as "higher" or "superior" or better in any way than anybody.
But I'm also not going to go around preaching my utmost humility to the world. Or the internet. (same thing)
I am just not... I don't know what I'm not. Not a social butterfly? I've never been one. I hate attention. I get annoyed by attention seekers*. I need to work on that.

When it comes to me and just me, I love what I love, and I don't care if anybody knows.

I'm not always happy. I do have depression, and I can't always just choose to be happy. Deciding to be loving and charitable doesn't make me all better. Being a member of this church and having the gospel in my life, living it to the fullest, and being the best I can be doesn't make the depression go away. I have an imperfect earthly body, and I learn to live with it.



Sometimes, I just want to be me, by myself (well, Nick and family are always welcome), in my own bubble, far away from people [my own age].


This will be over before I know it. And I will be glad I've been here. Heck, I'm not even going to be depressed all the time (I might sound like I'm just a mopey, grumpy, super depressed stupid jerk sometimes..). Some days I'm downright gleeful. But most of the time I'm looking at the big picture, and as happy as I am here sometimes, I'll be even happier when it is done.


*we all do things for attention. I wear my hair in a faux hawk sometimes because it looks great. I wear lots of colors because they look great on me. I like the attention of looking great. Most people do. I love to perform on the cello (actually, the performance is mostly for me, but I love pleasing an audience.. but I still get attention and like that, too). But when everything you say is about you and you're trying to sound impressive, or when you can only respond to somebody's own simple comment about something in their life with something in your life that is supposed to make you seem more impressive... I kind of want to hit my head on the wall. Repeatedly. And then run away. Because there is a difference between "getting" and "earning", which is a misunderstanding many people have in the world today in more ways than just attention seeking.

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