Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Struggles

Some days are just harder than others. The last few days have been exceptionally difficult. Today was not as bad. I think I had a better night's sleep last night. It has been a huge fight every day to be happy and pretty much be anything but depressed, hurt, and homesick. Very homesick. Oh I'm so homesick. I'm so homesick that I'm failing to appreciate the place I am at. I'm at a marvelous university, and I am supposed to be here. I should be having the time of my life. But I just want to go home and not come back ever.
I want to be back with people I know and with people who love me unconditionally. I'm sick of the gossip, the drama, having to be around people who I don't fit in with. I enjoy being quiet and peaceful and feeling like I can be myself, work on improving myself, and be with people who support that and aren't degrading my self esteem. I don't think people even realize some of the things they say and do. Or maybe I'm just misinterpreting it all and maybe I'm the bad guy. Maybe I am my own personal bad guy.
And I am way too hard on myself. But I can't change other people, so I have to change myself. And I feel like I kind of fail in that category. I work so hard, but am always falling down. And I know Satan wants me to feel this way, but man! It's such a mental game. 
I am tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, I am so worn out. It has been a very rough semester, and I can't wait for it to be over. Five more weeks. Just five more weeks. And next week it will be four. Then three, two, and one, and then I will take my finals, have a super stressful moving week, and go home.
It is so close, but it feels so far away at the same time.
Because I'm still here. And "here" is not feeling like home to me.

I wish I had one of my sisters here. Or a parent. Or Oliver. Or Nick. My cousin is here, and relatives are a four hour drive away, but I miss my family and Nick so much. Just to hang out with them for an hour or so once or twice a week would be fantastic.

I know, I know. It will get better. This is normal. It's part of growing up, becoming an adult.
But it really sucks when you don't have a loved one that you trust (like my family and Nick) to share the experience with.
I just feel very lonely. I have very kind roommates and neighbors, an extraordinarily fantastic relief society president, and other various people who are here to support me. But it's not the same. I don't know. 

I don't want to be told I will get used to this. I don't want a hug, I don't want a cookie. I just want to be with my family.

I know what some will say. I need to lean on Christ for help. And others, like my roommates and Kara and Spencer. And trust me, I am working my butt off trying to keep Christ a focus every minute of every day of my life. And I know His answer for me right now is... I just get to keep struggling for a little while. It will be worth it in the end. And in reality, this struggle is so simple compared to what He went through.

It doesn't make it easier necessarily, and it doesn't cure the homesickness. Definitely doesn't cure that. But it's the only thing keeping me from breaking down at this point.

2 comments:

  1. Friday we are going to the temple if you want to come with us?
    Or Saturday night I am going to Extravadance and you could come with me.
    Or we could just go on a walk.. I'm not your family via blood, but you are my sister in my eyes. OR I am free today after 4 and excluding an interview at 6. Use me if I can help. I love you dear.

    Let me know if there is anything at all that I can do.

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