Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Struggles

Some days are just harder than others. The last few days have been exceptionally difficult. Today was not as bad. I think I had a better night's sleep last night. It has been a huge fight every day to be happy and pretty much be anything but depressed, hurt, and homesick. Very homesick. Oh I'm so homesick. I'm so homesick that I'm failing to appreciate the place I am at. I'm at a marvelous university, and I am supposed to be here. I should be having the time of my life. But I just want to go home and not come back ever.
I want to be back with people I know and with people who love me unconditionally. I'm sick of the gossip, the drama, having to be around people who I don't fit in with. I enjoy being quiet and peaceful and feeling like I can be myself, work on improving myself, and be with people who support that and aren't degrading my self esteem. I don't think people even realize some of the things they say and do. Or maybe I'm just misinterpreting it all and maybe I'm the bad guy. Maybe I am my own personal bad guy.
And I am way too hard on myself. But I can't change other people, so I have to change myself. And I feel like I kind of fail in that category. I work so hard, but am always falling down. And I know Satan wants me to feel this way, but man! It's such a mental game. 
I am tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, I am so worn out. It has been a very rough semester, and I can't wait for it to be over. Five more weeks. Just five more weeks. And next week it will be four. Then three, two, and one, and then I will take my finals, have a super stressful moving week, and go home.
It is so close, but it feels so far away at the same time.
Because I'm still here. And "here" is not feeling like home to me.

I wish I had one of my sisters here. Or a parent. Or Oliver. Or Nick. My cousin is here, and relatives are a four hour drive away, but I miss my family and Nick so much. Just to hang out with them for an hour or so once or twice a week would be fantastic.

I know, I know. It will get better. This is normal. It's part of growing up, becoming an adult.
But it really sucks when you don't have a loved one that you trust (like my family and Nick) to share the experience with.
I just feel very lonely. I have very kind roommates and neighbors, an extraordinarily fantastic relief society president, and other various people who are here to support me. But it's not the same. I don't know. 

I don't want to be told I will get used to this. I don't want a hug, I don't want a cookie. I just want to be with my family.

I know what some will say. I need to lean on Christ for help. And others, like my roommates and Kara and Spencer. And trust me, I am working my butt off trying to keep Christ a focus every minute of every day of my life. And I know His answer for me right now is... I just get to keep struggling for a little while. It will be worth it in the end. And in reality, this struggle is so simple compared to what He went through.

It doesn't make it easier necessarily, and it doesn't cure the homesickness. Definitely doesn't cure that. But it's the only thing keeping me from breaking down at this point.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Sold

I officially sold my contract for my apartment at Birch Plaza next semester. I am so happy to be rid of it.
Next semester I will be moving into The Ivy apartments. I am SO excited. I am going to be so spoiled. But I think it will be suiting for my last three semesters. They are going to be very challenging semesters, and I think I'll be deserving an extra nice place to live. And it only costs less than $200 more! It's worth a heck of a lot more than that. I am excited.

But for now I will keep pushing through this semester.

This semester.

Oh boy, this one is crazy.
It is not fun. Some days I am miserable. But the way I see it, things likely won't get worse once this semester is done. There's a possibility, but it is not very likely. Especially since I plan on moving in with people I know from now on. That doesn't necessarily mean drama won't occur, but the chances of it getting this bad are pretty unlikely I would think.

I got some new stickers for my cello case. I designed them online. Here are some photos!

This "caution" one is my favorite.




I also have my plane tickets back home for spring break.
I am so so so so so so excited. :)

This past weekend I had a wonderful time with family in Utah. My cousin Spencer and I are getting to be closer friends, and I love having him around. I absolutely love my family. It was a fabulous weekend. We didn't do a whole lot, but the little things make it memorable none the less. Like watching the "Mr. Springville" competition. Watching countless funny youtube videos with Aunt Linda and Spencer. And like Monday morning. Spencer woke me up by jumping on my bed, shouting "Wake up!! It's past ten thirtyyyy! Time to geeeettt upppp!!!"
Made me laugh. Oh I love my family.
I'm so lucky to have my family. So blessed. And I have learned to not take them for granted.

Never take anyone for granted. That is something I have learned this semester. Your friends and family are the most important people you have here on Earth. I cannot wait to spend eternity with these people. :)

Friday, February 10, 2012

Avoided

Life in Rexburg is fantastic. My classes are going so well. I hit a plateau in both piano and cello for a while, and I think I finally beat it! I just feel great about where my life is headed.

However, all is not so well at the apartment home. I am being avoided by my roommate. Being given the silent treatment. I have never gotten that before, and it is really kind of interesting. I wonder when it will end, but I am also not worried about it. I just try to be as kind and loving as I can. The rest is up to her.

Certainly makes sharing a room interesting, though.
At first I was really bothered by it, but the moment I told myself to just get over it, put it behind me, and move on with life, I felt a whole lot better. I am focusing on my school work and music, learning a whole lot from the scriptures and all of my classes, staying in touch with family and friends back home, and am just enjoying life right now. My roommate's problems are hers and hers alone. The council I received from my bishop was to just keep on loving, even if I get none in return, and don't let it get to me. Just keep doing the right thing.

I know the Lord is watching out for me, and that as long as I am working hard to be as Christ-like as I can be, then all is well. :)

There is not peace in the apartment, but there is peace in my soul, and what more could I ask for. It is all I have needed for quite some time. A simple change in attitude and a determination to change my thoughts made all of the difference. Plus a lot of prayers and fasting and all of that fun stuff...
See what you can do in your everyday life to think positively. No matter how hard things get, find something to smile about. A great way to start is by opening up the scriptures. Search in the topical guide for something you have a testimony of, or something you want to gain a testimony of, and begin studying. When your thoughts turn to unhappy things, even if they are unavoidable, start thinking of the scriptures. The plan of happiness that God has promised us. I know that by doing this, life will become just a bit more bearable.

Thanks for reading, love you all, and may God bless.