This has been on my mind for a very long time.
Back in June, I wrote about an incident that happened on a trip out to Utah to visit someone who I considered to be my very best friend.
It still haunts me to this day. I have had a very hard time over the past seven to eight months trying to forgive. I can easily apologize, and I want to apologize very badly for the things I said. I sincerely regret getting angry and stooping down to that level of heated argument. I could have been calm and kinder and walked away from the situation. The Lord knows my apology, but I don't think she cares.
Being able to forgive her is taking a very long time. I have known I would need to forgive her from the day that it all happened. I really want to forgive her. But every time I think about what happened, the hurt just comes sailing back. I am having an extraordinarily difficult time stepping over the mountain of hurt and moving forward with the process of forgiveness. Also, knowing that she is not sorry and is perfectly content with the things she said (at least she was for quite some time after the argument, according to her parents), makes it even more of a challenge. She wanted to hurt me. It was what she meant to do, and it gave her satisfaction. She grabbed all of my insecurities and weaknesses, plus some, shoved them in my face, and ridiculed me in awful ways.
It is eating me up. I really do not like having this sit unresolved like it is. While there are so many good things happening in my life right now; I am being blessed in so many ways, and I am growing like I never have before, there is a lack of peace in my heart and mind that needs to be resolved.
Right now, I am only three hours away from where she is at. I will be only three hours away for an extended period of time. I have plans on driving down to the Provo area to visit family, and I know I will drive through the town she lives in. It would not be too far out of my way at all to go to her house, knock on her door, and tell her I'm sorry, ask for forgiveness, and give forgiveness in return. From past experience, I know it would feel so good to get that done.
But would she get mad at me again? Would I be putting myself at both emotional and physical risk by going there (punching me is not beyond her... it has happened, and not just to me)? I know it would be a risk, but the reward would be greater than the risk, I know it.
I just don't know what's rational and what is not. I do not know how to go about this.
I don't want to send her a facebook message apology/forgiving letter. Something like this needs to be done in person. And it needs to happen before either of us die. I will regret if forever if this is never resolved.
I do not want to be friends with her again. I don't think that could ever happen. But I don't want this to just remain unsettled.
Right now it's a mess.
I don't like messes.
How do I forgive and go about cleaning this all up??