Friday, January 27, 2012

Forgivness

This has been on my mind for a very long time.

Back in June, I wrote about an incident that happened on a trip out to Utah to visit someone who I considered to be my very best friend.

It still haunts me to this day. I have had a very hard time over the past seven to eight months trying to forgive. I can easily apologize, and I want to apologize very badly for the things I said. I sincerely regret getting angry and stooping down to that level of heated argument. I could have been calm and kinder and walked away from the situation. The Lord knows my apology, but I don't think she cares.
Being able to forgive her is taking a very long time. I have known I would need to forgive her from the day that it all happened. I really want to forgive her. But every time I think about what happened, the hurt just comes sailing back. I am having an extraordinarily difficult time stepping over the mountain of hurt and moving forward with the process of forgiveness. Also, knowing that she is not sorry and is perfectly content with the things she said (at least she was for quite some time after the argument, according to her parents), makes it even more of a challenge. She wanted to hurt me. It was what she meant to do, and it gave her satisfaction. She grabbed all of my insecurities and weaknesses, plus some, shoved them in my face, and ridiculed me in awful ways.

It is eating me up. I really do not like having this sit unresolved like it is. While there are so many good things happening in my life right now; I am being blessed in so many ways, and I am growing like I never have before, there is a lack of peace in my heart and mind that needs to be resolved.

Right now, I am only three hours away from where she is at. I will be only three hours away for an extended period of time. I have plans on driving down to the Provo area to visit family, and I know I will drive through the town she lives in. It would not be too far out of my way at all to go to her house, knock on her door, and tell her I'm sorry, ask for forgiveness, and give forgiveness in return. From past experience, I know it would feel so good to get that done.

But would she get mad at me again? Would I be putting myself at both emotional and physical risk by going there (punching me is not beyond her... it has happened, and not just to me)? I know it would be a risk, but the reward would be greater than the risk, I know it.
I just don't know what's rational and what is not. I do not know how to go about this.

I don't want to send her a facebook message apology/forgiving letter. Something like this needs to be done in person. And it needs to happen before either of us die. I will regret if forever if this is never resolved.

I do not want to be friends with her again. I don't think that could ever happen. But I don't want this to just remain unsettled.
Right now it's a mess.
I don't like messes.


How do I forgive and go about cleaning this all up??

2 comments:

  1. You know the quote, "We can do hard things." You really want to do this. You know it is the right thing to do...even though it is so scary and so hard and you are fearful because you don't know the outcome. That is all so normal. But, go do it anyway. Whatever the outcome, you will know that you did your part. No regrets.

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  2. Hey Laura. I know that there are some great Conference talks about forgiveness. They may not contain anything new that you haven't heard before, but I know that reminders help me when I am unsure. I suggest seeking out words of the prophets. Maybe something will strike you in a new way.

    I also learned something about forgiveness yesterday that I feel I should share with you. I was reading an article about marriage and pornography (it was a topic in Relief Society yesterday), and I know it's not your problem, but the principle of forgiveness applies.

    Michael D Gardner, PhD (LDS Family Services) said this:
    "Spouses often struggle to forgive their partners for addictive behaviors. Sometimes they mistakenly assume that extending forgiveness also means restoring trust. Yet trust and forgiveness are two separate issues. A person can repent and be forgiven long before he or she earns trust again."

    I have no idea if your friend has tried to repent of this, but I know that you are trying to forgive. I also know that she hurt you... a lot. Forgiving her does not mean that trust is automatically restored. It was a relief to read these words, to know that I could separate these two things. Forgiving doesn't even need to be mutual. In fact, she may hurt you again... but the Lord commands to forgive, and when you are ready to do your part and you feel prompted, I believe telling her in person as you said would be a noble and courageous thing.

    Just thought I'd share. Sorry for taking up so much space.

    <3 Emily French

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