Sunday, January 29, 2012

Knowing

As far as my last post is concerned, I have figured out what to do.
I went to the temple yesterday and had plenty of time to pray and ponder. I now know what I need to do, and I am grateful for the kind support and love that I receive.

Being at BYU-Idaho has just been great. There are ups and downs, but I am really enjoying my time out here. I am learning more and more that this is where I need to be.

I miss home so much, but I do not think I would trade this opportunity for anything else.
Learning to let things go and find the positive in every situation is difficult, but I am beginning to see the rewards of such hard work. There is still a long way to go in my learning, and a long way to go with difficult situations. I am determined to keep moving forward, no matter what happens, and to share the gospel of Jesus Christ everywhere I go. Be it by my behavior, discussion, actions, or just a smile and a wave 'hello'; I have become aware of how important it is for me, in my life, to live up to what I know to be true.

I challenge all who read this to think about what kind of an example you would like to set in your life. Think about what you want to be remembered for. Think about the people you care about, the people you see everyday, or even the complete strangers you run into throughout life. President Thomas S. Monson, President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, said
"You are an example of righteousness in a world which desperately needs your influence and your strength."

Later in that talk, he quoted D&C 84:88, where Christ says:
"I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." 

I know we can do anything the that Lord commands us to do, and I have faith that it is true - everything He says. Everything the prophets have said. Life is hard and we come across very difficult, annoying, and painful situations from time to time. The gospel of His church brings about the greatest joy you could feel on Earth. Living by the gospel does not mean everything bad will go away. Hardships will still come, temptations will still bother us, and we will get frustrated and lose our patience. We will wonder why, and we will question ourselves and everything around us. We will find ourselves trapped in pits of darkness, unsure of the answers and where to go.

Begin to trust in the gospel. You will find no greater peace, happiness, no more excitement and joy anywhere in the world than where the gospel lays firm and true. With time and faith, all confusion and spiritual clutter will be lifted away, as far as we remain diligent and do what we need to do - pray, read scriptures, attend all church meetings, etc.

Through this, I know I can get through anything.
And I challenge you all to learn that for yourselves, as well. You can do that by being a living example of Christ and obeying His word.

It takes time, but I know we can all do it.

Have a great week, everybody.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Forgivness

This has been on my mind for a very long time.

Back in June, I wrote about an incident that happened on a trip out to Utah to visit someone who I considered to be my very best friend.

It still haunts me to this day. I have had a very hard time over the past seven to eight months trying to forgive. I can easily apologize, and I want to apologize very badly for the things I said. I sincerely regret getting angry and stooping down to that level of heated argument. I could have been calm and kinder and walked away from the situation. The Lord knows my apology, but I don't think she cares.
Being able to forgive her is taking a very long time. I have known I would need to forgive her from the day that it all happened. I really want to forgive her. But every time I think about what happened, the hurt just comes sailing back. I am having an extraordinarily difficult time stepping over the mountain of hurt and moving forward with the process of forgiveness. Also, knowing that she is not sorry and is perfectly content with the things she said (at least she was for quite some time after the argument, according to her parents), makes it even more of a challenge. She wanted to hurt me. It was what she meant to do, and it gave her satisfaction. She grabbed all of my insecurities and weaknesses, plus some, shoved them in my face, and ridiculed me in awful ways.

It is eating me up. I really do not like having this sit unresolved like it is. While there are so many good things happening in my life right now; I am being blessed in so many ways, and I am growing like I never have before, there is a lack of peace in my heart and mind that needs to be resolved.

Right now, I am only three hours away from where she is at. I will be only three hours away for an extended period of time. I have plans on driving down to the Provo area to visit family, and I know I will drive through the town she lives in. It would not be too far out of my way at all to go to her house, knock on her door, and tell her I'm sorry, ask for forgiveness, and give forgiveness in return. From past experience, I know it would feel so good to get that done.

But would she get mad at me again? Would I be putting myself at both emotional and physical risk by going there (punching me is not beyond her... it has happened, and not just to me)? I know it would be a risk, but the reward would be greater than the risk, I know it.
I just don't know what's rational and what is not. I do not know how to go about this.

I don't want to send her a facebook message apology/forgiving letter. Something like this needs to be done in person. And it needs to happen before either of us die. I will regret if forever if this is never resolved.

I do not want to be friends with her again. I don't think that could ever happen. But I don't want this to just remain unsettled.
Right now it's a mess.
I don't like messes.


How do I forgive and go about cleaning this all up??

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Growth

I have been delaying writing this blog post for a while now, and I still don't quite know what to say, but I know it will help me to get some of this out.
I also have "delayed" writing this because I haven't actually had time to write this, either. But right now, I not only have time, but I am also not right about to crash and lay unconscious in a bed for eight hours. Though that time is near approaching.

Anyway.

I am two weeks into my first semester at BYU-Idaho. I am signed up for all of the right courses. Nearly all of my credits have transferred over. I have four semesters of classes, including the one I am in now, plus a semester of student teaching. I will graduate with my Bachelor of Arts - Music Education with Cello and Orchestra Emphasis degree in December of 2013.

There are goods and bads to being here. Most of the bads are things that I can easily look over. There are a multitude of very good things going on. It is all very different from what I have been living for the last twenty years, and it is becoming emotionally exhausting for me.
And I am homesick. I miss home so much. My family, Nick, my dogs, always having a place to go when I need to freak out or something.
At the same time, I am loving being on my own. Absolutely loving this.

It is all just going to take some time. Yet time is flying by so quickly, I almost wonder if at this rate, I will start feeling better once midterms are done and the semester is half way over and that much closer to me going home.


But no matter where I go in life, there will always be good things and bad things. Learning how to live a happy healthy life despite the obstacles is what makes us grow. I think I am doing a very good job at doing this. In only two weeks, I have grown so much. I feel like all of my potential that has been sitting inside of me, growing my whole life long, is beginning to blossom. It is only the beginning, and there is a lot of blooming left to do. I am growing at an exponential rate that has only begun, and everything will just keep getting bigger and better. It will not always be easy or happy, but in the end, I plan on being a happier, better, smarter me.