The past three to four weeks have been quite the roller coaster, now that I sit back and look at it all. There were finals to study for. A research essay and a twenty page paper to write. I was excited to be done at Clarke. My nervousness in getting everything ready for Idaho grew, along with anxieties about Idaho - the social part, emotional and physical comfort, being so far away from home. And for the majority of these past few weeks, I have been preparing myself to not see Nick again until April.
Through it all, I have survived.
But I keep finding myself in a frustrated mood.
I get angry at things too easily. I feel very impatient. I say rude things and feel those words are deserved, even though they are not. I feel mean.
So today I have been doing a lot of thinking. This is one thing about myself that I really like. I am nearly always thinking, and I usually think deep. I take in details very well, and I can also see the big picture very well at the same time. With this, I am able to "step out" of my body in a way, and look at my life, see what has happened, what is going on, assess my feelings and thoughts and discover why I feel the way I do.*
So, after much thinking, I have pinned the reason why I feel so frustrated.
As mentioned in my last post, I was bullied during that final.
The frustration that built up from that situation has not left. Those jerks made me feel silent. I do not like to be told that I can't do something, especially when I most certainly can. These jerks walked all over me, despite my resistance. They just shot me down and kept shooting. I refused to quit fighting the battle, but it was useless.
Nothing would have made me feel more satisfied than slapping each one of those faces. The physical exertion and transferring of pain would have felt right and good and justified.
But of course, I knew better than that, so I just cried to myself instead.
I never got my release. It has been stewing inside of me, even though I don't think about it every day. It is starting to boil over though, and it spills out into my thoughts and words towards other people who are both completely unaware of the situation and do not deserve that kind of treatment.
Now that I have figured this much out, I think I will be able to control it more. And since I leave in one week for Idaho, I will have some distractions to keep my attention moving forward instead of dwelling on the past.
Those are my thoughts! Thanks for taking time to read my mind.
*this is a large reason why I want to change my focus to music therapy - studying psychology is what I need to do.