Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Band-aid

This week is quite like the process of ripping off a band-aid.

First, there is all the anxiety that builds up before the band-aid is actually ripped off.

Next, you brace yourself, and rip it off quick!

After that there is a sting and discomfort, but this is only temporary.

In the end, there may still be a scar, but it all heals up and life moves on.


I have never in my life lived away from my family for more than three weeks. And those times I wasn't even completely on my own. Molly was with me.
I have all of this anxiety building up. There's emotional exhaustion with all of this packing. Worrying about there being enough room in the Element for everything I need to bring. Making sure I have everything. Then packing away everything I'm not taking with me, and saying 'goodbye' temporarily to things that have been a part of my life since childhood. Not having everything in its place. In my room, there is a place for my clothes, my shoes, my jewelry, my books, my pictures, my art supplies, my music, everything. Now they are all in boxes scattered across my room. Labeled, of course, but they are not in their place. And then knowing that in just 54 hours, I will be saying 'goodbye' to my younger siblings and dogs, all of whom I love so much. It makes me very sad and anxious. I'm not looking forward to it. I just want it to be done. This is normal, and as mentioned above, similar to being anxious about pulling off the band-aid.

Come early Friday morning (5 am), we will be pulling out of the driveway to start the 1300 mile trek across the midwest and into the mountain valleys. Leaving my siblings, dogs, familiar beautiful home, and everything else I love about Dubuque is the band-aid being ripped off. Not fun.

The following days will sting, especially when my parents drive off an leave me in Rexburg. I can guarantee you I will be so homesick. I'm making plans on eating super healthy and getting things ready to do, like journal writing, cooking, and socializing so that I can have a distraction and don't become too physically sick from the emotional toll.

I imagine that by a month from now I will be feeling much better. I will still be homesick, scars will still be there. But life will be better, things will be progressing, and time will go by so fast.

I'm excited to be making this huge step towards the rest of my life. I feel like I'm literally walking through the doors into life. I spent the first several years sheltered in childhood. High school and the first two and 1/2 years of college have been spent in the "front yard" and maybe around the block of my childhood "shelter". But now I'm totally going away, expanding horizons, and starting fresh. It's so cool!

Just gotta get past the hard part, first.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Stewing

The past three to four weeks have been quite the roller coaster, now that I sit back and look at it all. There were finals to study for. A research essay and a twenty page paper to write. I was excited to be done at Clarke. My nervousness in getting everything ready for Idaho grew, along with anxieties about Idaho - the social part, emotional and physical comfort, being so far away from home. And for the majority of these past few weeks, I have been preparing myself to not see Nick again until April.

Through it all, I have survived.
But I keep finding myself in a frustrated mood.
I get angry at things too easily. I feel very impatient. I say rude things and feel those words are deserved, even though they are not. I feel mean.

So today I have been doing a lot of thinking. This is one thing about myself that I really like. I am nearly always thinking, and I usually think deep. I take in details very well, and I can also see the big picture very well at the same time. With this, I am able to "step out" of my body in a way, and look at my life, see what has happened, what is going on, assess my feelings and thoughts and discover why I feel the way I do.*

So, after much thinking, I have pinned the reason why I feel so frustrated.

As mentioned in my last post, I was bullied during that final.
The frustration that built up from that situation has not left. Those jerks made me feel silent. I do not like to be told that I can't do something, especially when I most certainly can. These jerks walked all over me, despite my resistance. They just shot me down and kept shooting. I refused to quit fighting the battle, but it was useless.
Nothing would have made me feel more satisfied than slapping each one of those faces. The physical exertion and transferring of pain would have felt right and good and justified.
But of course, I knew better than that, so I just cried to myself instead.

I never got my release. It has been stewing inside of me, even though I don't think about it every day. It is starting to boil over though, and it spills out into my thoughts and words towards other people who are both completely unaware of the situation and do not deserve that kind of treatment.

Now that I have figured this much out, I think I will be able to control it more. And since I leave in one week for Idaho, I will have some distractions to keep my attention moving forward instead of dwelling on the past.


Those are my thoughts! Thanks for taking time to read my mind.

*this is a large reason why I want to change my focus to music therapy - studying psychology is what I need to do.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Awful

I know this isn't a positive post. But in order for me to keep my sanity, I can't bottle it up. The words have to go somewhere. This is a safe somewhere. Only a handful of people know the URL and actually choose to read this stuff. So here goes.

Today has been absolutely depressingly awful. Last night I did not fall asleep until 3 AM. I haven't been falling asleep until 3 for the past week or so. I believe it is from anxiety about moving. I'm excited and happy to be going to Idaho, but there are a lot of anxieties still. Anyway. I had to wake up at 6 so be at work at 6:45. So 3 hours of sleep. Not so great.

I get to work and am locked out. I try the other doors, but they're locked, too. I run back to the doors, and there is another girl in there. I jiggle the door and she tells me "whoa, calm down, it's okay" and I said "I know, I just want to clock in, I'm already running late." I knocked on the doors again and saw someone to the left who could open the door. I said "oh there's someone over there", and the girl said in a pretty demeaning voice "aaaand this guy is right here, just settle down now, it's OKAY." Talking to me like I was freaking out, which I wasn't. I just don't want to be penalized for being late, and had to clock in 15 minutes earlier than this girl did. I told her, trying to relieve the bad air rising between us "bleh, I'm just not a morning person, haha" and she said, with a roll of her eyes "oh well."


T_T


Why. Just why. Why do people have to be rude. Why.


Work wasn't so bad. I didnt' have to work with her.

I went and got my haircut. I. LOVE. IT. It is super short. I don't have bangs anymore, it's all just short and spiky. I feel like a rock star with this hair. Pictures soon.

Took my Ed Psych Final. It went well. Don't know my grade, but I knew the stuff.

After this, I went to finish my Christmas shopping. Done.
Then I went to go play piano for some singers from Clarke at a nursing home performance thing. That was fine.
We all went out for pizza (payed for by our professor) after that. I guess I was just not in a very social mood. I would try and participate in conversation, but nothing I said was really paid attention to. The professor said "this is also kind of a good-bye party for Sarah!" (name changed - a student coming here on study abroad from another country). "She's leaving us and not coming back, so sad!" and everybody was saying "we'll miss you so much! I can't believe you're leaving!" etc.
Not wanting to seem like a whiny attention seeking brat, I just didn't mention that I too, am leaving Clarke.. for good. 
It's been like that for the past month. I've told people I'm leaving, and I'm just ignored. I might get an "aw!" but that is seriously it. I've received one hug. You know, I'm not exactly sad to be leaving Clarke, but some form of acknowledgement of my existence.... would be nice. To know that I've spent the last 2 1/2 years learning and growing with people who might care about me, that would be pretty nice. Oh well. Can't ask for too much in life.


Then came the astronomy final. (The Lab final - the written final is tomorrow.)
I love astronomy. It is so cool.
I hate my astronomy class. It is like being in 6th grade. Or at least what I imagine 6th grade must be like. I wouldn't exactly know. I was home schooled in 6th grade.
I am the youngest one in this class, and I'm 20. Everyone else is 21 and older. Everyone is a junior or a senior or a 5th year student. You would think at this point in college people would know how to behave themselves.
Every day in this class is like a party to these guys. Every other word that comes out of their mouths is the f bomb, all the joke about is sex, they're disruptive and get the class off topic, and just waste so much time in class, it's impossible to get things done. And our professor doesn't really know how to handle it. It drives me NUTS.

So tonight, I'm walking up the stairs to get to the planetarium where the final would be taking place tonight. One of the "leaders" of the group of guys (that take up basically the entire class) was behind me with some people and said loud enough for me to hear "she got a haircut." Somebody else said "and..? You're making a statement...?" And he said "well, she got a haircut.." and made eye contact with me, wanting me to say something back. I don't really know what. So I didn't say anything, since he wasn't talking to me to begin with. Then he and some people would say "she got a haircut" and then start muttering quietly to each other stuff I couldn't hear. I just shrugged it off. Or thought I did anyway. It was really really stupid.

So we get in and start the test. We were all going to be given five questions to answer, one at a time. I didn't like this. We had to answer a question in front of the entire class. If we get it wrong, we get the wrong answer on a final question IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CLASS.

As usual, the guys were getting really rowdy, this time to the point where people were trying to confuse the professor to make him think he had already asked them a certain amount of questions, or constantly trying to argue their answer so he would count it as right, even though it was wrong. Just wasting time. It's a FINAL. This is COLLEGE.
When people were answering questions, the guys were making stupid noises to try and raise the feeling of anxiety about getting the question right. If someone got it wrong, they would be allllll over it saying "this is the answer, see, it's here and here, how could you miss that???"
It was a mess.
So occasionally when it got really badly out of hand, I would say "dude, just shut up, let's keep moving with the final!" This of course, only led to the guys mocking my comment, saying "yeah SHUT UP" and it would just spiral downwards.
When I would be asked a question, I was trying to think and the guys were teasing/harassing me, continuing on with their stupid jokes and noises. I said "please hush" and "seriously, be quiet!" and the would be quiet until I answered, but once I answered, the mocking and laughing would continue, all the guys just repeating what I said to them.

I cried three times to myself during this test I was so sick of being made fun of this way. I was just glad it was dark in there so nobody could see.

The final thing that happened was the worst. People were really starting to lie, saying they had been asked four questions out of the five when really everyone had only been asked three. A few of us were trying to make the argument that yes, it was only three questions at that point. I spoke up a bit loudly and said "yeaaahhh, it is only three. Let's keep going." And this guy - who is in all of my music classes and happens to also be in this gen ed - said "whoa now, okay, there's no need to get angry here!!!" to which I said calmly "I'm not angry...." and when he said this, all the guys just went off the bat. "Duuuude she's gonna be yo a**" "Yeah dude, you should really SHUT UP hahaha" and stuff like that.


At this point, the professor turned the lights on and lectured the class about how he is really disappointed in all of us. We were being immature, and because of this he was stopping the exam right there and we were to prepare for an even harder written exam than originally promised tomorrow. The class went silent. He said "is this cool?" No response. While so many thoughts inside of me were screaming "This is not fair! You can't punish a whole class because of only some students' actions! Poor teaching skills! No no no!!", I said out loud "okay", calming my thoughts down, thinking "well, it's life. This will be over soon enough."

As we walked out of the planetarium and down the hall, I heard a few select phrases such as "that b****... all 'shut up'.....calm down...fault"

I don't know if they were talking about me.



The professor emailed us apologizing for "losing it" during the final, saying it was wrong of him to change the final last minute like that after we had been promised a week ago to study for something else. So we don't have the super hard final tomorrow. He said he understands that it's the end of the semester, everybody is moving out this week, people are just starting to go crazy, he should have been more understanding of that during the test.

While yes, it's a crazy time of year, I don't think the behavior in this class was acceptable period. I felt harassed and bullied tonight. I felt worthless in a crowd of people who couldn't care less about what I think.


I went and cried to my friend Sam, vented it all out, and we had a venting party for a couple of hours. I came home, and realized my laptop was missing. I had taken it with me in my car that morning so I could show pictures of hair styles to my stylist. I had a panic attack for about half an hour searching for it, bawled for about 10 minutes when it just wasn't anywhere.Then I thought "wait... I don't think I took it back to the car with me from the studio..." I checked the caller ID on the phone history and sure enough, the studio called this evening during the exam. I thought it had been stolen at either Wal Mart when I went Christmas shopping, or more likely, down town when I went out for pizza. I parked near an alley way full of people smoking cigarettes and pot. I couldn't remember if I locked my doors or not.

THANK HEAVENS. It's safely at the hair studio.

After a long and awful day, living off of 3 hours of sleep, having a potentially stolen lap top has just about killed me tonight.


And now this is all written down, so I can go to sleep tonight.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Fast

It's time I write something a bit more positive than what I've been writing!

I just had my last week of classes at Clarke. It was long, boring, and did not feel particularly special. This semester sure has been long, yet at the same time it has gone by incredibly fast! The fastest semester I've had by far!
I have been so busy with school and with getting ready to go to Idaho. I can't believe I'm leaving in less than three weeks. I'm really excited! But I'm really nervous, too. And very anxious. There is going to be so much to do the first two weeks, I'm worried about not getting it all done and having problems rise up later. But I pray about it and I keep getting this very strong reassuring feeling that everything will be alright. The Lord is watching out for me.

I'm really excited to get to meet my room mates. Aside from siblings and Marissa, I've never really... worked out well with sharing a room with anybody, but I'm hoping that that's mostly because those were less-than-a-week room sharing experiences and that living together in an apartment is a lot different. Actually, I know it's different. I don't entirely know how, but I'm looking forward to it.

I have so much left to do still! It is finals week now, and I have plenty of studying to do for all of my finals. If I had to take them right now, I would not be ready. I don't like that. So I must work my butt off this weekend. It is all going by so so fast.

The only reason I am not looking forward to this week being done is because Nick is leaving. He is going home to Nova Scotia for Christmas break, and when he comes back in January, I will no longer be here. At least until April. Thank the Lord for skype and our texting plans. I am really going to miss him. :( And my friend Sam from Clarke. These two people are my best friends, and now we're all moving away for a while. Sam is transferring out of Clarke, too, which is great for her. But man I'm going to miss both of these people.
I just try not to think about it too much.
But I'm not worried about myself and Nick. Distance won't be a problem for our relationship. It's only temporary anyway. :)

I love the Lord, I love the knowledge I have, and I know everything will be okay.

God bless, thanks for reading.