Tuesday, November 15, 2011


It's that time of year again! I can't tell if I'm going crazy, if I'm super depressed, if I need a change in medication, or if I just have a never-ending list of things to do and I'm responding to this stress in a completely normal way!

The picture describes my life very well right now.
I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to be with people, I don't want to work with people. I am losing my temper a lot more easily lately. Only for a short time, but the fact that I'm losing it worries me a bit.

I am working my butt off trying to remain on top of things for both this semester and next semester. I have so much to do before this semester ends, and I have just as many things to do that are of equal importance to get ready for next semester in Idaho.

Let's see...

Two major papers to [start and] write. This is considerably less than last semester, so that is a plus!
An entire 3 movement atonal piece for full orchestra to analyze, rip apart, and explain.
Classes to attend, homework to get done, studying to do, tests to pass, find time to practice both piano and cello.
Find out how to get my money I have made through accompanying voice lessons.

Get my classes transferred from this semester to Idaho.
Get my loan money.
Get a new laptop.
Get my wisdom teeth out.
Figure out what I need to bring and what can stay at home.
Get all of my medical stuff transferred over to Idaho. (ugh!!)

Find time to spend with Nick before he goes home.

Enjoy the time I am home with my family.

So written out, it doesn't seem like nearly as much. This helps.

I went to Iowa City today to have my cello worked on. SO happy with how it plays now. But I hate being in Iowa City. I've been there more than I like and I can't get myself to associate Iowa City with anything other than the stinking hospital. Granted, it's a great hospital, but I am too familiar with the place and I don't enjoy being there and I hate that I still feel really sick and am in pain but there is not a thing they can do for me anymore because they have tried all they have and I'm just on a plateau with my health. I'm not sick enough for them to do the quick-fix (surgery). That's a really good thing. But I'm also not all better, and they've run out of resources. So... I guess as long as I don't get worse that is a good thing, but until then, I just take what I get.
The frustrating part is being in this much pain. It has always scared us in the past when I've been in a lot of pain, but they never find answers as to why I'm in pain. We switch my diet around, some things get better but the pain is still there. The pain gets so bad sometimes. I'm afraid of the pain being something other than the "norm", but not being able to tell until it's gotten really bad. But I guess that's the way I have to go.

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