We had a YSA fireside with a potluck dinner before hand. Through the chit chat and being with people and such, I understand more about myself and how introverted I really am.
I try to be social at events like what we had tonight. I talk with people, am friendly, try to participate in conversation, be in a good mood. I think I'm having fun, but at the end of the night I do realize that I'm really making myself do these things, and that's not so much fun, because it's not 100% of myself, so I feel like it's fake. If it were up to me, I would appreciate the kind gesture of people wanting me there, but I would rather be with my family, by myself, with Nick, or with just one other person. Not a dozen or more. So while I appear to be social, it is really not so easy for me. And while I like company and good conversation, I have a hard time finding a place to fit in.
That's one of the biggest things.
I'm different. And I know it. Of course, everybody is different. But I just want to be myself. It isn't like I go out of my way to do things that are "weird" or socially unacceptable, no not at all. I just don't feel like "myself" is someone who fits in very well. Either my ways of thinking, sense of humor, interests, beliefs, values, or whatever, never seem to line up with any particular group of people and I'm just left there feeling incredibly out-of-place.
That is not enjoyable. It is more disappointing and not very satisfying.
This is a fear of mine for going to Idaho. I'm so afraid of being overwhelmed with social things and people telling me to go to things and then feeling obligated to go. I know I should go to somethings, but when I don't want to, I just hope and pray I'm not prodded to death about not showing up. Sometimes I just like to be left alone. And it is not because I'm depressed or anything, either. It is just the way I am.
Every single time I go out to some kind of social event, I make myself believe that this one will be different. Perhaps I'll actually fully enjoy myself, won't find myself being embarrassed or put-out or whatever, and I'll have a wonderful evening. And every time I'm wrong.
Disappointment and I don't sit very well together.
And one other note - I am so sick of politics on facebook. I'm sick of reading about those protesters on wall street and how they're all "hero's". It just makes me SICK. And it ticks me off! >:@