Monday, October 17, 2011

Scared

Time is running short for getting ready to go to Idaho. I am not ready. I am not ready in so many ways.

I still need to do SOMETHING about my classes - make sure all of the important ones are in, figure out what I need to do before I get there and what I need to bring with me and what I'll need to do when I get there when it comes to classes alone. SO much to do. D:

I need to find out how I'm going to get my medicine. And who will give me my shots. I seriously cannot give myself my humira shot. I did it myself once when I first started, and once this summer when my parents were in Utah for my grandpa's funeral and could not be here to give it to me themselves. The needle itself isn't bad, but the medicine that is injected - oh that stuff hurts.
I don't really want to have to make appointments with the school's health administration thingy whatever every two weeks just to have a shot. Don't want to walk all the way there and back just for a shot. It hurts my leg anyway, so I don't really want to walk at all. I just don't know what I'm going to do. And the fact that I don't know bothers me.

I need to get everything settled for an apartment!!! :O Looking more into it, I don't really have a lot of room to be picky, but I think I've found something I really like. The Birch Plaza apartments look like my kind of place. I just had a really good feeling when I found out where it was, saw what it has to offer, and just everything about it. Free laundry. Right across the street from campus and very close to where I will be most of the time. Sounds like the student atmosphere is one that I would enjoy. But I don't know for sure yet.

I am not mentally/emotionally ready to go to Idaho yet. Or maybe it's more... I'm not ready to leave home yet. I'm not ready to be so far away from my family. I'm not ready to turn my relationship with Nick into a long distance one. I definitely will, but the thought of leaving him and not knowing when I'll see him again just breaks my heart. He graduates in May, and I don't get back until mid July, at which point he will likely be back in Nova Scotia. I don't think distance will break our relationship at all, no, I'm not worried about that. We'll be fine. But right now, I get to see him at least once a week. Spend time with my friend. I won't have that time to be with him, hug him, hold his hand, go do whatever it is we want to do together, be there in person when we have our several-hours-long deep conversations about life and the gospel and just stories about ourselves and our families.
I'm not ready to let go of something that makes me so happy. Even if it's only temporary. I'm just not ready to go away.


:'(



And I'm stinkin scared to death of being put into a huge social world with lots of social pressures. I don't know what it is like at BYU-I. I don't know how the people are. I don't know how "mormon" it is - how "happy" you are kind of expected to be. How many people are going to be pressuring me to date and get married.

I'll say this now and I'll be sticking to it:
While I know the prophet says not to postpone marriage/family for education, I personally do NOT want to get married until I have GRADUATED. I don't want the distraction, and for me, being married would be a huge distraction.
I'm going to Idaho to get the education I need, not to get the husband I want. I could be wrong, but the image Idaho gives off with people getting married left and right and so YOUNG... it really does scare me. I know some people can do it just fine, but for me, that is not what I want, and I am afraid of having people trying to hook me up with guys and of making friends and then just losing them the day they get married and of people putting peer pressure out there and all that stuff.
I know it's my choice and everything, but the thing is, with my personality and such, I am always trying to please people. I HATE disappointing people. It makes me so anxious when I know I've done something and other people are genuinely not happy because of what I have or haven't done - even if they're just taking it way too personally, or if they have valid reasons to be unhappy. It bothers me so much, makes me so anxious and upset. I'm just so afraid of having to deal with that.



I just want to graduate!!!!! O_o

2 comments:

  1. Deep breath Laura. I went through many of the same feelings you are going through with moving far away from home. It's scary - but once you're there things will start to work themselves out. Of course some of the things (such as meds and a place to live) have to be worked out before you get there, but things will start falling into place.
    We have so much more on our plates because we are chronically ill, and it makes the transition SO much more stressful. I struggled my first year emotionally with everything - but it was all right there, in place everything was worked out... I just let my mind overpower me.
    The pressure to get married it tough!!! My situation is a lot different because I wanted to get married young - but at first, holy cow! The pressure was ON! never feel forced, though! I think your decision is a wise one. It's HARD to balance college and married... Get your education first - then look for your partner. That's just what I believe is the right thing to do! I commend you for deciding this now and not succumbing to the traditional 'standards' of mormon marriage. =)
    Hang in there - if you need anything please let me know!!!

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  2. Whoa mama! DEEP breath! No one is going to make you do anything you don't want to do. I went to BYU-I and didn't feel any of those pressures at all. I met a lot of fun people that were just really chill. Everyone was there to work on their education as well. I did't meet anyone that was spending all that money to find a husband. I think that you will attract the kind of friends that are more in line with your thinking.
    It's always scary to move. But you will find your way around quickly. I wish I could give you your shots... maybe you'll get a cool, unsquimish roomie?? LOL
    Just pray and trust that the Lord will take care of you. Everything is going to work out great!!! *Big hugs!*

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