Sunday, October 30, 2011

Sense

So much has been figured out since my last post!
I know what classes to take. Classes are TAKEN CARE OF!
I have a pharmacy I will use. Still don't know how I will get my shot, but that is a problem to be solved later.
I have put down a deposit on an apartment complex! It is the same apartment I shared in the last post. In the next several weeks I will be assigned roommates and a room.
My anxiety about social pressure is resolved as well. I know that I make my choices, and I just have this feeling of reassurance that everything will be okay and that the Lord is watching out for me. He knows what I want, and I know He knows what I need, and I trust Him, and I am fortunate to have this feeling that, basically, what I want is exactly what I need.
It just makes sense! And I'm so happy! :)


In other news...

I can't wait to leave Clarke. I just can't wait. It's not a bad school, no, but I'm just sick of it. Dubuque is just getting to be too small. I need to get out and spread my wings.

Nick and I were an old couple at the Beytien's party. I walked in and scared Alyson to death - she thought I was really sick! Haha!
We're so ugly! Ha!!

I made my very first quilt. I made one when I was 9, but that was more just me helping my mom make it. I did everything with this. And I gave it to Nick. He had no idea I was making him something! :)



Monday, October 17, 2011

Scared

Time is running short for getting ready to go to Idaho. I am not ready. I am not ready in so many ways.

I still need to do SOMETHING about my classes - make sure all of the important ones are in, figure out what I need to do before I get there and what I need to bring with me and what I'll need to do when I get there when it comes to classes alone. SO much to do. D:

I need to find out how I'm going to get my medicine. And who will give me my shots. I seriously cannot give myself my humira shot. I did it myself once when I first started, and once this summer when my parents were in Utah for my grandpa's funeral and could not be here to give it to me themselves. The needle itself isn't bad, but the medicine that is injected - oh that stuff hurts.
I don't really want to have to make appointments with the school's health administration thingy whatever every two weeks just to have a shot. Don't want to walk all the way there and back just for a shot. It hurts my leg anyway, so I don't really want to walk at all. I just don't know what I'm going to do. And the fact that I don't know bothers me.

I need to get everything settled for an apartment!!! :O Looking more into it, I don't really have a lot of room to be picky, but I think I've found something I really like. The Birch Plaza apartments look like my kind of place. I just had a really good feeling when I found out where it was, saw what it has to offer, and just everything about it. Free laundry. Right across the street from campus and very close to where I will be most of the time. Sounds like the student atmosphere is one that I would enjoy. But I don't know for sure yet.

I am not mentally/emotionally ready to go to Idaho yet. Or maybe it's more... I'm not ready to leave home yet. I'm not ready to be so far away from my family. I'm not ready to turn my relationship with Nick into a long distance one. I definitely will, but the thought of leaving him and not knowing when I'll see him again just breaks my heart. He graduates in May, and I don't get back until mid July, at which point he will likely be back in Nova Scotia. I don't think distance will break our relationship at all, no, I'm not worried about that. We'll be fine. But right now, I get to see him at least once a week. Spend time with my friend. I won't have that time to be with him, hug him, hold his hand, go do whatever it is we want to do together, be there in person when we have our several-hours-long deep conversations about life and the gospel and just stories about ourselves and our families.
I'm not ready to let go of something that makes me so happy. Even if it's only temporary. I'm just not ready to go away.


:'(



And I'm stinkin scared to death of being put into a huge social world with lots of social pressures. I don't know what it is like at BYU-I. I don't know how the people are. I don't know how "mormon" it is - how "happy" you are kind of expected to be. How many people are going to be pressuring me to date and get married.

I'll say this now and I'll be sticking to it:
While I know the prophet says not to postpone marriage/family for education, I personally do NOT want to get married until I have GRADUATED. I don't want the distraction, and for me, being married would be a huge distraction.
I'm going to Idaho to get the education I need, not to get the husband I want. I could be wrong, but the image Idaho gives off with people getting married left and right and so YOUNG... it really does scare me. I know some people can do it just fine, but for me, that is not what I want, and I am afraid of having people trying to hook me up with guys and of making friends and then just losing them the day they get married and of people putting peer pressure out there and all that stuff.
I know it's my choice and everything, but the thing is, with my personality and such, I am always trying to please people. I HATE disappointing people. It makes me so anxious when I know I've done something and other people are genuinely not happy because of what I have or haven't done - even if they're just taking it way too personally, or if they have valid reasons to be unhappy. It bothers me so much, makes me so anxious and upset. I'm just so afraid of having to deal with that.



I just want to graduate!!!!! O_o

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Social

I feel like I learned a lot about myself tonight.
We had a YSA fireside with a potluck dinner before hand. Through the chit chat and being with people and such, I understand more about myself and how introverted I really am.
I try to be social at events like what we had tonight. I talk with people, am friendly, try to participate in conversation, be in a good mood. I think I'm having fun, but at the end of the night I do realize that I'm really making myself do these things, and that's not so much fun, because it's not 100% of myself, so I feel like it's fake. If it were up to me, I would appreciate the kind gesture of people wanting me there, but I would rather be with my family, by myself, with Nick, or with just one other person. Not a dozen or more. So while I appear to be social, it is really not so easy for me. And while I like company and good conversation, I have a hard time finding a place to fit in.
That's one of the biggest things.
I'm different. And I know it. Of course, everybody is different. But I just want to be myself. It isn't like I go out of my way to do things that are "weird" or socially unacceptable, no not at all. I just don't feel like "myself" is someone who fits in very well. Either my ways of thinking, sense of humor, interests, beliefs, values, or whatever, never seem to line up with any particular group of people and I'm just left there feeling incredibly out-of-place.
That is not enjoyable. It is more disappointing and not very satisfying.

This is a fear of mine for going to Idaho. I'm so afraid of being overwhelmed with social things and people telling me to go to things and then feeling obligated to go. I know I should go to somethings, but when I don't want to, I just hope and pray I'm not prodded to death about not showing up. Sometimes I just like to be left alone. And it is not because I'm depressed or anything, either. It is just the way I am.

Every single time I go out to some kind of social event, I make myself believe that this one will be different. Perhaps I'll actually fully enjoy myself, won't find myself being embarrassed or put-out or whatever, and I'll have a wonderful evening. And every time I'm wrong.


Disappointment and I don't sit very well together.


And one other note - I am so sick of politics on facebook. I'm sick of reading about those protesters on wall street and how they're all "hero's". It just makes me SICK. And it ticks me off! >:@