Friday, September 9, 2011


This post is going to be completely and entirely overly emotional and depressing and I just don't give a care about who has an offense or things down about me because of it. To anyone who will think that, just leave this page and keep your thoughts to yourself thank you very much.

So I didn't make the symphony. I am very sad. But I will get over it.
But for now I am very very very very very sad. I feel embarrassed. I feel stupid. I feel sick. I feel frustrated.

I feel embarrassed because I know everybody there at the symphony who were running the auditions. I feel like I made such a fool of myself. I am NOT proud of my performance, I am NOT happy with it, I hated it, I did so poorly on so many things, it was just awful.

I feel stupid because I thought I had a chance at making it. HA. Boy was I fooling myself. I also feel stupid in a musical sense - I am such an amateur. People tell me all the time "you are amazing!" "you are so talented!" "your playing is so beautiful!" Well if it's so good, then I should have done better tonight.
I know I'm young and inexperienced. I know I can play well. But tonight, quitting crossed my mind. I know I won't, I never could, but just the thought of pulling out my cello and playing any time soon just sounds disgusting to me. I am so ashamed over how I played.

And I am so frustrated. I feel like I wasted so many hours preparing for something I never had a chance at making. I don't even feel like I learned anything this time around. This is all so stupid.

And I am sick. My stomach is killing me. I have had diarrhea all week and I am dehydrated and am just having the most difficult time. I am dizzy and uncomfortable and always so very tired. I hate this. I hate this so much. I just want to scream.

And I just want everything to be okay. But things aren't okay. And I can't post why and things on the internet because it just isn't a good idea but I don't have any friends other than Nick who can listen and I don't know what to do. I'm so upset.

I'm sick of doing things and making choices because I feel like I have to please people. I'm sick of people trying to tell me what to do and then getting upset and frustrated if I go against what they're saying. I get it from BOTH SIDES.

I just want to be left alone, yet at the same time I need.... I don't know what I need.

I'm just sad. :C

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