Saturday, September 24, 2011

Lately

There has been quite a lot going on in my life lately. Sort of.
It doesn't really appear to be that way too much, but boy there certainly is. Looks can be deceiving.

Where to begin!

I have officially decided to go to Idaho. In some ways, this was a very easy choice. In others, it has been a very hard choice to make. I know going to Idaho will be good for my education. It will be good for my experience. I will grow as a musician and as a person. all around this will be very very good for me. Living on my own, having an apartment with roommates, living without a car (!!!), living far away from home, and so much more. One of the hardest things about leaving Iowa for Idaho will be being far away from Nick. I don't know what will happen, but I feel at peace knowing the Lord knows what lies ahead for both of us, and I trust Him.
Another hard thing will be, well, leaving home. Rexburg is a little over 1300 miles away. Granted, I've been far away from home by myself plenty of times, but never to live for an extended period of time. I'm sure time will fly by, though. Heck, I'll probably going on 30 before I know it! :o
Also, money worries me. I will be pulling out student loans, and that's fine and all, but I want to be able to get myself out of debt as soon as possible. I want to be able to pay for as many things as possible on my own. Being financially stable is an extremely high priority in my life. I thank my dad for this attribute, as I'm pretty sure I gained this appreciation for having any money and being wary about spending it from him. So I am working as much as I can to earn and save money now. I won't be working while at school (at least for the first semester), so making sure I have enough money to eat, be clothed, have toilet paper, and all that fun stuff, is really important to me.

Next on the list of my life..

Crohn's. Stinking crohn's. It is definitely back. I don't like admitting this and I don't really know why, but I'm not eating nearly as much as I should. I can't. It hurts and I get sick every time I eat. I'm losing blood. More than I usually do. It worries me, but I try not to let it, so I ignore it. This isn't good, but I don't want to have to deal with it I guess. I don't want more tests, just to be told what I already know: it's a flare up, nothing major (meaning nothing life threatening), and there's not much we can do other than continue the treatment I'm already on, and maybe put me on a hundred pills a day again. Bleh. I'll just wait it out I think. Hope and pray it goes away. I'll be watching my weight, and I'm figuring if I get below 105ish lbs, I'll take myself in. (healthy average weight for me is 110-115) Or if I get to the point where I can't keep food down, or if I get fevers, or if the pain gets unbearable, then I'll go in. But for now I just don't want to deal with it. I don't have time.

And school. Ugh. Clarke is like high school. Popularity is everything. Everything meaning nothing I'm interested in, but it certainly limits my ability to be very social with people, since I am anything but popular (nor do I ever with to become so). Plus, popularity by the large majority of students at Clarke consists of sex jokes, sex, beer, and hipster attitude.
And I'm just a downer and a loser for not wanting to be a part of the "fun and popular" part of Clarke.

Okay. Whatever.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Emo

This post is going to be completely and entirely overly emotional and depressing and I just don't give a care about who has an offense or things down about me because of it. To anyone who will think that, just leave this page and keep your thoughts to yourself thank you very much.

So I didn't make the symphony. I am very sad. But I will get over it.
But for now I am very very very very very sad. I feel embarrassed. I feel stupid. I feel sick. I feel frustrated.

I feel embarrassed because I know everybody there at the symphony who were running the auditions. I feel like I made such a fool of myself. I am NOT proud of my performance, I am NOT happy with it, I hated it, I did so poorly on so many things, it was just awful.

I feel stupid because I thought I had a chance at making it. HA. Boy was I fooling myself. I also feel stupid in a musical sense - I am such an amateur. People tell me all the time "you are amazing!" "you are so talented!" "your playing is so beautiful!" Well if it's so good, then I should have done better tonight.
I know I'm young and inexperienced. I know I can play well. But tonight, quitting crossed my mind. I know I won't, I never could, but just the thought of pulling out my cello and playing any time soon just sounds disgusting to me. I am so ashamed over how I played.

And I am so frustrated. I feel like I wasted so many hours preparing for something I never had a chance at making. I don't even feel like I learned anything this time around. This is all so stupid.

And I am sick. My stomach is killing me. I have had diarrhea all week and I am dehydrated and am just having the most difficult time. I am dizzy and uncomfortable and always so very tired. I hate this. I hate this so much. I just want to scream.


And I just want everything to be okay. But things aren't okay. And I can't post why and things on the internet because it just isn't a good idea but I don't have any friends other than Nick who can listen and I don't know what to do. I'm so upset.

I'm sick of doing things and making choices because I feel like I have to please people. I'm sick of people trying to tell me what to do and then getting upset and frustrated if I go against what they're saying. I get it from BOTH SIDES.

I just want to be left alone, yet at the same time I need.... I don't know what I need.

I'm just sad. :C

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Rotten

I have come up with another analogy relating to how crohn's disease feels for me.
I like analogies and I think I can come up with some pretty good ones every now and then.

It feels like there is something rotten in your gut. Like you've eaten something old and bad and sticky and slimy and gross. And then it just sits there and radiates this feeling of just pure sick throughout your body. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it burns. Sometimes it causes nausea that lasts for days. It causes cramping and sudden urges to make you go to the bathroom. Takes your appetite and throws it away. Makes you tired and uncomfortable.

This is how I feel right now and how I have been feeling for about a month now.
It is not much fun.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Scuttle

I love living out in the country.
Being away from the city, away from traffic, away from busy noises.
Surrounded by green, woods, fresh air, and quiet.

We see quite a bit of wildlife out here as well. It is really fascinating to live this close to nature, yet still have the comfort of everything you would want in a home (plus heated floors in the winter time!!).

However, tonight I view nature from a slightly less appreciative point of view.



Long story short...

Those stinkin' mice are going to keep me up all night, and their death will surely await them tomorrow if they don't stop scuttling around inside the wall behind my head.

Filthy blasted vermin.