Monday, July 11, 2011


I just am. :)

Summer is about half way over now, and the first half has most definitely not been easy.

I was hurt by and lost a best friend in a very ugly way.
My grandpa passed away.
I am working two jobs, a total of 40-45 hours a week, and one of my jobs is not the happiest place on earth.
I have had a number of anxiety-inducing events in the past several weeks, many of them involving someone yelling at me.
My gut is acting up again. It is likely just a mini-flare induced by the anxiety.

However, I am extremely happy. I am definitely going uphill in life, and am at a higher point than I think I've ever been. And I will continue to go higher and higher. I am just so happy! I have the spirit, a closer relationship with my immediate family than I have ever had before, I have some wonderful friends, great supports, and a life that is going somewhere. I have absolutely no idea where, when, how, or why, but I am confident and happy to get there!!

I have some slightly unrelated thoughts to share.

I have been trying not to think about what happened in Utah, but that is like trying not to think about, well, the blades stuck in your back lodging into your lungs and heart. The metaphor "being stabbed in the back" has a new perspective for me now... I was hurt more than I ever have been in my life by my closest friend (no longer). I keep thinking I am over it, because I seem to be moving on alright. It's not like I am having a mental breakdown or am seeking revenge or anything stupid. But then I hear about someone I know meeting up with their closest friend of years and years, and I can't tell if I resent it, or if I'm just still confused about why the whole thing happened. I think it's the latter. I'm just confused as to how people can stay friends for so long and not have the friendship eventually crash. I used to believe in friends like that, but now that I don't have any super close friends whom I've known forever... I guess I just wasn't ever expecting to receive this perspective on friendships and how they work (or don't work). I know I need to not dwell on it, and be happy. Be happy for my friends who have those friends-from-childhood-best-friends. Be happy for the friends I have now. Be happy that some of the friends I have now will be friends of mine for the rest of my life. It doesn't matter that we didn't know each other when we were in diapers. All that matters is the kind of person you become, and what you do in your life.
I think of Moroni. At one point in his life, he had not one single friend on earth. He was alone, hiding in a world of people who hated him and wanted him dead. I cannot imagine having to live a life like that. It must have been awful. And I admire his strength, courage, and spirit. I am blessed to have some friends, and to be on earth in this time where I am not alone. 

It all still stings, and I am still a little confused, but I am feeling better about the whole ordeal. I can say and type these things and feel good about it while I'm saying/writing/reading them, but it's taking a while for them to sink in and overpower the hurt.

Anyway. I have so many reasons to be happy, and I am! No matter what happens in life, there is always something to be happy for. I love life! :)

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