I've been feeling depressed on and off over the last several days, so this post is entirely dedicated to being therapeutic and whiny and venting. While, yes, I do look on the bright side, sometimes I just feel like crap and that is that. Feel free to read and tell me your thoughts/give me advise/ANYTHING!!
I think I try too hard. Then I think I am too hard on myself for blaming myself for trying too hard. I don't know. I do not like being confused. Why am I so stupid when I like a guy? Fear of rejection? Cluelessness? I don't think I even try, so it's not a matter of trying too hard, it's a matter of not even thinking and doing something stupid like talking too much or making assumptions or wanting more out of whatever is going on than will actually happen. Making things up in my head. I hate not knowing. I swear if I had a way of looking at my life in 5, 7, 10, 15 years, I would do it in an instant. I just want to know that things are going to turn out okay, I will make the right decisions about college, I won't be such a nerd and an embarrassment that I never get anything more than a "friend" in any kind of relationship.
And that's where I face my fear of being pushy. I do NOT want to give the impression that I'm searching for a boyfriend, because honestly, I am not. If things start working out between myself an a guy, awesome. But I am not desperate. I know perfectly well that I can be single and happy. My issue is....I like a guy. And I'm terrified of doing something wrong.
Of course, I know all the sayings...something about love not caring if you sound stupid or not, but I'm nowhere near the love stage yet. I'm just in the like. And if I ever want to get to the love stage at any point in my life, I need to make sure I don't make a fool of myself and become unattractive in that way.
And I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!
Next on the list.... this teacher. This crazy teacher. Crazy teacher who I offended. She is messing with my head. I feel so stupid in this class, the way she makes faces at me as if I'm delusional. Dangit I wasn't expecting to cry while writing. This lady is making me ill. Literally. I've been up late tonight thinking I'm going to throw up. We had a meeting with the dean of undergrad students after the one-on-one meeting I had with her that did not go well whatsoever. This one went a bit better, but I do not feel any better about the situation. Now instead of being the offensive smart alec student that needs to be whipped into shape, I am now the over-emotionally driven teenager student who should get with the game and grow a backbone.
Of course I know I am neither of those, but this lady is giving me that label. (which, by the way, I have a problem with labels. I should write a post about it sometime... right up there with my issues with Disney Channel...)
This lady does not make her syllabus clear. Maybe it's because of the fact that she keeps CHANGING it... nahh, that can't be it. That wouldn't be any reason for confusion.. nah. I'm just not bright enough to keep up with her 21st century fast tempo ka-POW.
Two late assignments because I did not understand the syllabus and she sent me an email tonight completely baffled as to why I was confused. Maybe, just MAYBE, it's because we get SO MANY EMAILS from her every week and we can't find all of the attachments, and then she keeps CHANGING it so many times, you lose track of which one is which.
No, I'm just unorganized and need to work on some professional skills.
UGH. I AM organized!!! I just physically cannot handle being handed so much constantly changing information and be expected to stay on top of it all!!! It's the same way when I am trying to listen to someone talk to me, or try to read something when there is too much noise. A loud conversation 20 feet over there, noisy television on in the next room, music playing somewhere nearby and something like a blender or somebody searching through a drawer for something, making noise. I cannot take it all in and still be expected to listen to what someone is saying to me. I become lost. It's impossible to focus. And it is exactly the same way with this class. There is too much going on besides this class. I can handle all of that just fine, but when this class starts making things difficult, it's like the changes happening to the syllabus and the stupid things coming out of this woman's mouth are the person trying to talk to me, and suddenly the rest of my life is too noisy for me to hear it. Difference is... I can move to a quieter room when things get too loud to hear. In this situation, I am glued to my seat and the noise isn't extra noise. It's life, classes that will actually make an impact on what kind of career I will hold, and every other thing I cannot just get up and walk away from.
Now I get to try and go to bed, forget about my insecurities, pretend I don't have class with this lady tomorrow, and not puke. I'll see about classes when I wake up, and if my head isn't in a toilet.